Encouraging Growth Over Perfection in Your Child
Lots of parents worry about whether their child is a perfectionist or how to prevent them from becoming one. And I’m here to tell you, a lot of the perfectionist tendencies might not be what you think they are.
And guess what? It often begins with you—yes, you, the adult!
Let’s explore more about perfectionism in children, uncovering the telltale signs and learning about practical tips to help your child thrive without the pressure of perfection.
So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea) and let's dive in!
Are you new here? Welcome! I’m Miss Beth, the founder of Big City Readers - a different kind of early childhood development. Children need flexibility and fun to dig in and grow as readers. I believe not all children learn from sitting at a desk– most don’t! My job as an educator is to find the best solution for every child. I use the 5 building blocks of early literacy: read, write, sing, talk, and play in addition to the Orton Gillingham method which is a science of reading-backed approach that utilizes the three brain pathways through which children learn—visual, auditory, and kinesthetic.
Signs of Perfectionism in Children
Fear of Failure
One of the most significant indicators of perfectionism is an intense fear of failure. If your child avoids tasks or activities because they fear failing, this could be a sign of perfectionism. They might feel overwhelmed at the thought of making mistakes and hesitate to try new things.
What it looks like: Your child might refuse to draw a picture because they worry they won’t color perfectly inside the lines or avoid joining a new game with siblings for fear of misunderstanding the rules.
Why it matters: Fear of failure can prevent children from exploring and learning new skills. Over time, this avoidance can hinder their ability to adapt and grow.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
Perfectionistic children often view success in black-and-white terms. If they can’t achieve something fully, they might say they "can’t do it at all."
What it looks like: A child might say, “I can’t read,” even if they can read some words but not the entire page. This extreme thinking can lead to frustration and giving up too soon.
Why it matters: All-or-nothing thinking can set unrealistic expectations and discourage perseverance.
Accepting Nothing Less Than Perfection
Does your child erase and rewrite homework repeatedly or insist on working on something until it’s flawless? This desire for perfection, despite reassurances, can lead to unnecessary stress.
What it looks like: They may spend excessive time on assignments or creative projects, refusing to stop until every detail meets their high standards. Even when praised, they might respond with a furrowed brow, insisting it’s not quite perfect yet.
Why it matters: This behavior can lead to burnout and prevent them from enjoying their accomplishments.
Avoiding New Opportunities
Fear of making mistakes can prevent your child from trying new activities. This avoidance can result in missed opportunities for growth and fun.
What it looks like: Your child might refuse to walk into a birthday party or participate in a new sport, nervous about the unfamiliar environment or unsure how to interact perfectly.
Why it matters: Avoidance of new experiences limits their ability to build confidence and resilience.
Critical Self-Talk
Children who are perfectionists may criticize themselves harshly, even when they’ve done a great job. Negative self-talk can erode their self-esteem over time.
What it looks like: After completing a puzzle, a child might say, “I missed one piece. I’m not good at puzzles,” instead of celebrating their success.
Why it matters: A constant inner critic can make it difficult for children to recognize their strengths and achievements.
Fear of Letting Others Down
Perfectionistic children often feel pressure to meet others’ expectations. This fear can lead to stress and anxiety.
What it looks like: A child might avoid helping build a block tower with friends, fearing their contribution could cause it to fall. They may worry about disappointing parents, teachers, or peers.
Why it matters: This pressure can create unnecessary emotional burdens and impact their relationships.
Procrastination
Sometimes, procrastination isn’t laziness—it’s perfectionism. If your child delays starting a task because they’re unsure they can do it perfectly, they might be struggling with this trait.
What it looks like: Your child might avoid putting away toys, starting a project, or completing classwork, worrying that they won’t do it “right.”
Why it matters: Procrastination can lead to missed opportunities and increased stress as deadlines approach.
Difficulty Adjusting to New Situations
Perfectionistic children often resist change, worrying they won’t meet their own high standards in new environments.
What it looks like: A child might hesitate to join a new playgroup or start at a new school, concerned about not knowing how to fit in or follow the rules perfectly.
Why it matters: Difficulty adapting can limit their social and emotional growth.
How to Help Your Child Work Through Perfectionism
If you notice repeated patterns of perfectionism in your child, don’t worry! There are plenty of strategies to help them navigate these tendencies and build resilience.
Model Positive Inner Voice
Children absorb how we talk to ourselves, so be mindful of your self-talk. Replace negative statements with positive ones. For instance:
Negative self-talk: “I’m so bad at this.”
Positive self-talk: “Oops, I made a mistake. That’s okay; mistakes are how we learn!”
Modeling self-compassion helps your child internalize a kind, encouraging inner voice. Let them hear you acknowledge your imperfections without shame or frustration.
Try Things You’re Not Good At
Show your child it’s okay to be a beginner. Share your experiences:
“I’ve never tried painting before, but it’s exciting to try something new! It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
Encourage them to join you in trying new activities to build their confidence and resilience. Whether it’s baking a tricky recipe or attempting a craft project, these shared experiences demonstrate that growth comes from effort, not perfection.
Focus on the Positive
Teach your child to reframe negative thoughts. For every critical thought, offer four positive ones. For example:
Negative: “I’m not good at this.”
Positive: “I’m learning. I’m improving. I’m proud of myself for trying. I’ll get better with practice.”
Writing affirmations on sticky notes and placing them around the house can be a fun, visual reminder. Say them aloud together to reinforce positive thinking.
Shift Focus to Effort Over Outcome
Help your child value the process, not just the result. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked!” Celebrate their kindness, creativity, and persistence over their achievements.
Encourage Growth Through Mistakes
Explain that mistakes are a natural part of learning. Celebrate their willingness to try, even if things don’t go perfectly. Let them know it’s okay to struggle and that every step forward is progress.
If you’re looking for a fun and engaging way to support your 3-6 year old’s early writing and creativity, my course Ready to Write is the perfect fit! This playful class is packed with drawing activities that encourage self-expression while gently introducing foundational writing skills.
It’s especially great for young perfectionists, as the emphasis is on creativity and exploration rather than “getting it right.” Ready to Write helps children feel confident and excited to try new things, making learning enjoyable for both kids and parents.
Why Patterns Matter
Occasional perfectionistic behaviors are often just a part of a child’s learning process. However, if you notice repeated tendencies, it may be worth exploring further. Recognizing patterns can help you intervene early and support your child in developing healthier habits.
Progress Takes Time
Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight. Commit to:
Making mistakes and acknowledging them openly.
Speaking out loud to yourself in a positive way.
Trying new things alongside your child to model resilience.
If you suspect your child might be a perfectionist, don’t worry—there’s plenty you can do to support them! Look out for signs like self-criticism, fear of new challenges, or getting upset over mistakes. Remember, it’s all about showing them that learning, growing, and trying new things are all part of the journey!
Be there for your child every step of the way. Encourage them to take little risks and step out of their comfort zone. And don’t forget to model positive behavior yourself—those little eyes are always watching how you approach the world.
For more tips and insights on perfectionism, tune into this episode of my podcast, Play On Words.
Do you have any further questions on how to support your child through the reading process? Let me know in the comments! And to keep up with all the latest childhood education information, check out my recent posts:
